A Controversy about saying: "I Love You"

This post was originally published as a subscriber "schmoozeletter email" in 2022

There's a debate that sometimes comes up between couples is about saying "I love you."

Some people either grew up with or adopted the idea that "I love you" is a casual phrase that can be used almost as a filler expression or greeting- before leaving the house, hanging up the phone, or as a stand in for "thanks for doing that small favor."

Others believe that using "I love you" casually and frequently cheapens the sentence, and they prefer to reserve uttering it for more special, meaningful moments, when you're truly feeling the intimate depth of your love. Sometimes these people didn't hear it often growing up, and so saying it requires more focus, heard it used in a phony way, or they just find it to be devalued by overuse.

While this is really a matter of opinion, so there's no objective right or wrong about it, my inclination is more aligned with the first approach. I'm sure it's partially because I grew up in a home where love was expressed often and copiously, and it didn't make it feel like less. But the way I explain it to clients who are debating the issue is by comparing it to the words "thank you."

If you're at a dinner table, and someone passes you the salt, you say "thank you."

But also: if you're in a hospital and doctor saves your life, you say "thank you."

The phrase represents a similar sentiment in both cases, that of acknowledgement and gratitude. But the context, intention, effusiveness, and tone are completely different. That's why there's so much more to communication than only the words.

So the "I love you" we toss out casually as we're hanging up the phone or running out the door is simply a playful, verbal kiss blown into the air, while the "I love you" shared on a momentous occasion, while gazing into each others' eyes, or after a heartfelt conversation carries totally different energy. But they all convey different flavors of love which nourish the relationship- snacks versus meals, in a way.

(Although I do understand  how the use of "I love you" in relationships devoid of love can feel disingenuous or tasteless to some.)

Another analogy I think about is prayer. My tradition is to recite blessings and pray the same formulaic words daily, from a prayer book that I didn't write and absolutely wouldn't have written if I were only speaking organically from the heart. But the thoughts, feelings, and applications of the words I say change daily- within myself and as compared to the thousands of other Jews who recite the same prayers as well.

(We can and do generally add our own personalized prayers, in our own words too, and that adds customization to the experience, despite the verbal uniformity.)

Love is a versatile sentiment: romantic love is different from parental love, and both of those are different from friendship-love, which differs from the "love your neighbor" of shared humanity (and love of pizza which is arguably an overreach of the word). And all of that feels completely different to me from love of G-d and self love, which both often require more effort to cultivate.

In this week's Torah portion, which is the longest at 176 words, there are some repetitive verses. They describe the Tabernacle donations of the tribal leaders, who all gave the same gifts. Instead of just listing the names of the princes and the gift, it lists the gifts over and over again- silver bowls, a ladle, a flour offering, incense, and a list of animals.

An obvious question is: why not conserve space, ink, and time, by just writing: "Here is what each of the leaders gave:" and just write the whole list once?

There are a number of answers offered, but most of them center around some version of this idea, similar to the "I love you" theory:

While the leaders each technically gave the same objects, their feelings, intentions, personalities, and thoughts were uniquely theirs, and therefore deserving of recognition in their own rights. They essentially gave different gifts which happened to be represented by the same material items.

Even when we're saying or doing something that looks or sounds the same as others around us, that's just the external reality of what's happening. Internally, psychologically and spiritually, we each have our own individual processes of what that means to us and about us.

G-d's love for their gifts, and ours, doesn't grow bored or jaded with repetition, because He senses the heart behind them, and that is always renewing, evolving, and refreshing. In loving relationships, I believe that we can tell our partners and families that we love them often, in big and small ways, if the feelings are genuine, backed up by action and sincerity, and respect for their capacity to receive it.

Wishing you love of all kinds in your life,

Elisheva

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PS Another, less feel-good subject that's addressed in this week's Torah portion, is the topic of infidelity. To read a relevant post about this for committed relationships that's worth prompting a difficult but important conversation for couples, check this out: Would you want to know if your partner cheated?