NonJews and nonpracticing Jews have often heard about Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur. They’ve likely heard about the Pesach seder. But they often don’t know about Sukkot/s. A relatively lesser-known holiday, the history and symbolism of Sukkot/s is no less foundational than the others. A sukkah, in the most narrow vernacular definition, is a temporary, outdoor hut constructed using organic materials with prescribed dimensions and specifications. We hear a lot about the idea of

There may be an abuser in your shul. I’m sorry; I’m not saying this to spread rumors or fear-monger. I don’t know your shul or the people in it. But I do know some statistics. And they’re sobering. And I know some stories. Too many terrible stories. Disturbingly, some of them started in shul. Some even happened in shul. To be clear, there may or may not be a predator in your specific shul. But there are sometimes predators in shuls. Some of them seem like the shady char

Have you ever recited or read through the customary prayer called Zaka? If you haven’t, you may find it somewhat jarring. This lengthy supplication is featured at the very beginning of the Yom Kippur evening prayer services, even before the more famous Kol Nidreh. It reads as a heartfelt confessional, a desperate acknowledgement of guilt, and an expression of shame for wrongdoing, with much of the language focused specifically on various kinds of sexual transgressions. As a

When I was a kid, my brother and I used to watch this random tween show called “Out of this World.” It featured a girl who (was maybe secretly half alien from another planet? and) had a superpower, whereby she could touch her two index fingertips together to freeze time for everyone and everything but herself. She would generally do this when she’d gotten herself into some sort of sitcom-style dilemma, and needed a minute to figure out a way out of the pickle (the kind that

You’ve probably heard the message by now. The verbiage changes slightly with each motivational talk but the gist is something like: “I used to worry a lot about what other people were thinking or saying about me, until I had this breakthrough and realized: They’re not even thinking or talking about me at all! People are much more preoccupied with themselves, so I should just not care and do my own thing!” I’d heard this idea, and somewhat appreciated it, likely even repeate

How did you feel reading the title of this post? Did you feel worried? Excited? Curious? Anticipatorily angry? Headlines and other media “hooks” are often designed to use a few words to generate strong emotion and a craving to hear more. With this particular sub-genre, I’m not sure if it’s increasing lately, or if I’m just seeing more of it, but I’ve noticed professionals in multiple fields policing each other on social media. It looks a bit like this: “Have you ever been

We’re often told that: “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” This quote is often (mis?)attributed to Albert Einstein, but regardless of the source, it does seem somewhat logical. Yet as Jews of faith, we are taught to pray and yearn daily for Mashiach (Messiah, also called Geula- redemption, and sometimes, Tikkun Olam- global repair). Opinions vary about what exactly will happen in this long-awaited post-

One of the less-discussed transitions from dating to marriage has to do with how we schedule time together and separately. When two people are dating, the structure is often fairly straightforward. They generally live separately, work separately, manage their own schedules, and then intentionally choose times to be together. Maybe they see each other for a few hours several times a week. Maybe they get on the phone for an hour before going to bed. Whatever the routine or arr

Please note some words are hyphenated upon readers' requests due to filters: “There’s so much tension around this that we find ourselves sometimes avoiding going to bed at the same time. Like one of us will fall asleep on the couch and come in later or take extra long in the shower. That uncomfortable feeling we have around one of us wanting but not knowing how the other will feel, nervous about feeling rejected and lonely and disappointed. And the other one's pressure to cho

Note this was originally a schmoozeletter email several years ago, inspired by this week's Torah portion: Warm weather is just around the bend here in chilly New York, and I'm so looking forward to it, because summer is my season of joy. Do you have a favorite season? I was once listening to a lecture on the power of being present in the moment. The speaker said that he is so present and mindful, that he doesn't even look forward to upcoming happy events, because he's committ

There are many traits and behaviors that contribute to healthy relationships and many that sabotage them. There are two specific tendencies that are especially toxic and they are: Unbridled ego and unbridled desire. (In Hebrew they rhyme: Ga’ava and Ta’ava: ) The holy sacrifices in Vayikra are called korbanot, connected to the root “karov,” meaning close, because they symbolize the different ways we build intimate relationships with the Divine, and from which we can extrapol

A friend recently asked for a “quick pointer” to include as a paragraph or two in an article she was writing about Pesach preparation for a Jewish magazine. She wanted to address the common issue of pre- Yom Tov overwhelm. The questions she used as a prompt for this were a little challenging because responding to them helpfully would have meant writing at least two whole articles on their own. So I gave her a couple of ideas, but then realized that I could actually write my

“My spouse isn’t fulfilling my needs.” Have you heard people say this before? It comes up a lot working with couples. It's a complicated and sensitive topic, so it can be helpful to analyze what people mean when they say it and how the issue can be addressed productively. The first task would be to define what “needs” are. In the strictest sense of the word, needs are indispensable resources like: oxygen, water, basic nutrition, shelter from the elements, and general safety

Or: Why acts of service don’t always translate into intimacy A common complaint that we hear from spouses who are navigating desire discrepancy goes something like this: “I know I’m not perfect, but I feel like I’m a good spouse. I work hard to support the family/ take great care of the house/ kids/ uphold my fair share of our joint responsibilities/ speak nicely/ we don’t have big, messy fights. And yet, somehow my partner still has little to no interest in physical intimacy

Are you also seeing a lot of confusing and conflicting information on this deeply disturbing saga? Over the years, my own trust of the media has been eroded down to nearly zero, and yet, it’s still essentially our primary source of, at least what people say is happening in the world. It’s not a surprise to many of us to see what appears to be confirmation that unspeakable forms of abuse are rampant in both Hollywood and broader power culture, including politicians, tycoons,

Tu b’shvat is one the less known Jewish holidays, and is more about the symbolism than the ritual. There are no direct obligatory practices for this day, but many deep ideas. The essential one is that it’s the “ New Year for the trees” and is used to determine which year the fruits belong to when calculating agricultural laws within the land of Israel. Beyond that, many celebrate and acknowledge the blessing of our sustenance that grows from the Earth at the time when it’s

Note: some words are hyphenated per readers' requests to bypass filters. A few years ago, I was asked by a colleague to contribute to a book she was compiling. It was a series of essays, written by Jewish women, addressing the complexity of religious modesty. I respected both her and the project, but I chickened out. The topic just felt too fraught, too sensitive, too trauma-laden, and the ideological zeitgeists too shapeshifting for me to feel comfortable publishing words th

Note: This was originally an email to my subscriber list in 2021: Here in New York, we've been blessed with a pretty mild Autumn so far (isn't "Autumn" so much fancier and less stressful than "Fall"?) But for those who live with seasonal affect disorder, the low feeling that comes with colder weather and fewer sunlight hours, this time of year can be emotionally challenging. And that low feeling, can sometimes look like a seasonal depression. Depression can bring some unwant

*Per some readers’ requests I’ve altered the spelling of some words to bypass their filters. One of the most common complaints we hear from clients is that one partner would be perfectly happy if seks disappeared from their lives. (This complaint could come from either partner or both.) In fact, we hear this so often that it’s a question I’ll often ask clients who present with seksual aversion, disinterest, or low desire, to gauge their association with the experience: If a g

Note: This was originally written as a subscriber email in 2022: Over the last week or two, I noticed a couple of funny interactions. They were situations where people wanted to pay me for something, and I found myself asking them not to. Which is weird, because 1. money is useful and 2. I had done something for them that normally people pay for. But these were specific instances in which I actively prevented payment. It got me thinking about the different reasons we will opt