How to Date for Marriage

Choosing a spouse is possibly the most impactful decision that we humans make over the course of a lifetime.

We are choosing our roommate, co-parent, romantic partner, teammate, financial partner, and closest companion- ideally, for life.

Most of us in the West, have more autonomy and opportunity than ever before in history.

And we seem to discussing more emotional complexity, and demanding more of our love relationships than other times or cultures. And while science and technology are progressing at lightening speed, this mystery called lasting love continues to elude us; in fact, we seem to be floundering even more observably, judging by divorce rates and radio music.

We could, and maybe should, read entire books on the subject of how to date for marriage wisely, but the amount of (often conflicting) information and advice available can be overwhelming.

This article suggests four primary areas or quadrants, each with several subcategories, for assessing a potential relationship: mind (or cognitive), body (or physical), heart (or emotional), and soul (or spiritual). When we are in touch with each of these four aspects of the self and the dynamic, it can help us develop an awareness of what we value, what we appreciate, and what we want to create in our primary relationships. There is overlap between the quadrants, but organizing it this way can help us to see with more clarity, what is flourishing or lacking in ourselves or a relationship, in a defined way.

While each of us is comprised of all four elements, many of us tend to favor one or two quadrants over the others- like a major and a minor in college. We may favor our attention toward a dominant feature of the self. For example, someone who is very intellectual may seek out her cerebral equal in a spouse, and feel that this is more important to her than, for example, aesthetic appearance. This is, inherently, neither a danger nor advantage; but simply a tendency to keep in mind, so as not to completely neglect our recessive quadrants.

We also tend to cluster, as individuals and as cultures.

For example, in many religious communities, singles meet at a young age, through professional shadchanim [matchmakers], following a formal protocol, with a technical focus on concrete matters of family, religious similarity and compatibility, socio-economic awareness, and an expectation of relatively brief, pragmatic dating time. In these circles, there tends to be a strong emphasis on spiritual and practical compatibility and less on emotional and physical attraction until after the wedding.

On the other hand, in more contemporary communities and dating styles, where young adults meet on their own or through friends, date more recreationally, romantically, and for longer periods of time, there is often more focus placed on physical attraction and emotional chemistry, and only afterwards on spiritual, intellectual, and practical compatibility. Of course, these are just stereotypes, and each comes with its challenges, but it’s good to be aware of tendencies to compensate.  

In Orthodox Jewish communities, there seem to be three general dating styles:

be’show, shidduchim, and social dating.

Individuals who date via be’show, will usually start this process at a young age and meet a potential spouse selected by parents and familial connections, approximately 1-4 times before engagement. There is generally little to no premarital relationship. They don’t expect to forge a meaningful connection, love, or feel palpable chemistry before the wedding, and marriage roles tend towards traditional.

Social daters will generally meet more casually, on their own, or through friends or the internet. They will usually focus initially on emotional, romantic, and physical attraction, and secondarily assess intellectual, pragmatic, religious, and spiritual leanings. They seek to develop loving connection before an engagement, some with and some without physical contact.

Shidduch daters span a range as well. Average dating times range anywhere between a couple of weeks to many months, often with a shadchan introducing and facilitating, and sometimes involving formal protocols per communal norms. This is enough involvement to hope for some modicum of chemistry, but due to religious boundaries, there is a limit to how much the relationship will be able to develop before the wedding. Many shidduch daters find themselves wondering exactly how much they “should need to know or feel” about a partner or union before making a commitment.

Whether reflecting on oneself, dates, or marriage, these constructs can be helpful for increasing constructive self-awareness and establishing relational goals. Here are some questions to consider along the way, organized by these quadrants and subcategories:

The Mind:

The intellect includes the cognitive, the academic or educational, thought processes, culture, interests, savviness, capability, and the dialogic wavelength. To say it’s “how smart someone is” is an oversimplification, but that's part of it. This is where we ask: Do I respect this person’s opinion? Does s/he seem to respect mine? Am I interested in what s/he has to say? Do I understand and feel understood when we converse and share ideas? Do I get the sense that s/he makes wise, rational decisions, using a thought process I can appreciate?

The logistical:

When we look at our pragmatic life goals, do they match up well? Does this person “make sense” for me as a potential spouse and vice versa? For example: If he dreams of raising a large family, married to a full time mom, in a quiet suburb, and she’d like to have a rigorous career, 2.5 kids, and live in Manhattan, that would be a logistical glitch. Likewise, if she wants to move to Israel, as soon as possible, and he wants to work for his family business in New Jersey. Some other ideas to consider are gender roles, expectations, and responsibilities. What kinds of family cultures have shaped our ideas about what spouses “should” do for one another, for their kids, and their home? Earning, homemaking, bill-paying, parenting styles? Marriage is not only a love story; it’s also a life plan. It doesn't need to line up perfectly and people change over time, but diametrically opposed visions are not a great starting point.

Body:

Physical attraction: We know that true beauty is more than skin deep, and that there are far more important features to a person than looks. And also: the marriage relationship is a very physical one. In almost any other area of life, assessing another based on the other’s appearance would be unkind, unfair, and superficial. But in this particular area, it is actually problematic not to ascertain attraction. This is a category over which some obsess and others underestimate. The degree of importance of physical attraction varies by personality, culture, and exposure, but a good general rule is that we should try to marry someone whom we find at the very least reasonably nice looking, and with whom we could imagine enjoying physical intimacy.  Making this the only criterion or neglecting it often lead to problems.

Financial/material: Money can’t buy us love, but financial stressors can certainly challenge it. It can feel unsavory to discuss finances and material lifestyle in the context of something as substantive as relationships, but to deny the role that the monetary and the material play in the life of a couple is naïve. Even if a couple is not completely financially independent when they get married, discussing career paths in general, how and in what manner they intend and hope to support themselves, and acknowledging socio-economic backgrounds and assumptions, and values around money, is wise and responsible.

Heart:

Emotional: The emotional self could be further subdivided into psychological and temperamental. Our psychological self includes our mental wellness, thinking patterns, our general stability, and how we cope with life circumstances. Our temperamental self has to do with our personality traits, feelings, moods, behavioral tendencies, and the way we process and react to the world internally.

Interpersonal: The interpersonal refers to communication, how we express, relate, interpret, empathize, share, moderate, regulate, compromise, and connect. These are core, critical relationships skills and styles. Some are inborn, others cultivated, and they evolve over time, but they, maybe more than other factors, will often determine the tone of the union. 

Some emotion questions to ask when dating are:

How do I feel about this person? How do I feel when I’m with him/her? How do I feel about them when we’re not together? How does s/he seem to feel about me? How do we treat each other? Do we enjoy each other’s company, smile a lot, laugh, care for each other? What do we bring out in one another? Do we communicate well? Does s/he matter to me, and do I feel I matter to them? Do I look forward to seeing him/ her, enjoy seeing the name on my caller ID? Do I feel appreciated that way too?

 Soul:

The spiritual can be divided into the technical religious or theological and the deeper or philosophical. In Orthodox communities, we tend to identify strongly with the first, and sometimes take the second for granted.

External religious affiliations, backgrounds, locations, institutions, attire, and practices are relatively easy to identify and describe; sometimes distractingly so. Families and individuals often use these designations for choosing neighborhoods, schools, shuls, Yeshivas, seminaries, colleges, even friends and jobs. Even nuanced differences can feel significant when dating and in marriage, and in general, broad-brush similarities can be helpful here.

The psycho-spiritual self is harder to quantify, and even more elusive to pinpoint within a relationship. Some couples claim to have "love at first sight" and some a magical “soul-mate” dynamic, which sounds romantic, but probably unrealistic as immediate dating objectives. Deep spirituality is more existential; it relates to a sense of being, intimate connection, higher purpose. Not everyone thinks about this consciously, but it transcends personality and externalities, and generally informs and frames our attitudes about goodness, morality, values, priorities, prayer, integrity, work ethic, serenity, beauty, and sense of responsibility to G-d and mankind.  A good question to ask about spirituality for the self or the couple is: What inspires us? What are our abstract values and aspirations?

There are no guarantees when it comes to love relationships, especially since people change over time, but going into them with our eyes open, leading with the mind and the soul, and following closely with the heart and the body, with self-awareness and other-attunement can set us up for wise and balanced dating.

If you're interested in hearing 10 common things couples argue about, see this:

https://www.elishevaliss.com/post/what-do-couples-fight-about-most