"But my spouse has needs..."

“My spouse isn’t fulfilling my needs.”

Have you heard people say this before?

It comes up a lot working with couples. It's a complicated and sensitive topic, so it can be helpful to analyze what people mean when they say it and how the issue can be addressed productively.

The first task would be to define what “needs” are. 

In the strictest sense of the word, needs are indispensable resources like: oxygen, water, basic nutrition, shelter from the elements, and general safety from danger.

In cultures like many in the West, we tend to expand the definition or use of the word “needs” to include not only what’s necessary for immediate survival, but also what’s required for sustained quality of life, including psychological and emotional thriving- things like interpersonal connection, education, financial security, preventative health care, civil rights, and opportunities self-actualization.

“Needs” are also invoked as a way to describe what partners crave in order to feel loved- from “love languages” to empathy and validation to s-exual desires. (More on that soon- that’s actually the main point of all this:)

We also further expand and use the word “need” colloquially to mean what we want and view as urgent or in some way important, for example: 

“After this season, we really need a vacation.”

“Are you going shopping today? I think we need more butter.”  

I think we’d all agree that no one would really call vacation or butter a “need” technically, but that in the vernacular, we understand and accept this nonliteral use. 

It’s helpful to name this, because when it comes to other contexts, these differences can get confusing.

Here is a societal example:

When people say that health care is a basic human need and right, they will often then make the jump to assert that therefore it should be free. There are (at least) two issues with that: 

1. Just because a need is legitimate, why does that mean it should be free? I need something? Good- I’ll work so I can pay for it. 

2. Even if we say, “need means there should be no conditions or obstacles to receiving it,” well then are we asking medical professionals to spend years of school and hours at work, only to be our slaves, to work without compensation because other people have “needs?” That doesn’t sound right or feasible. So then who should pay them? The government? Ok - but where do they get the money? From taxes. Which they take from… us. So then we are paying for health care- just collectively and mandatorily, with more middle-men. Which means it’s still not free. Which makes sense. Because things that have value, generally incur some sort of investment.

What does debating the merits of socialized health care have to do with relationship needs? 

(A lot actually, but let’s focus on just one or two points for now:)

Even if we say that one person has a legitimate need, that doesn’t give that person license to force a specific other person or entity to immediately meet or sacrifice for that need. 

If John needs food in order to survive, in general, which is true, that doesn’t immediately require his neighbor Joan to stop in the middle of her work day to make him a sandwich. 

There’s an ethical spectrum to this, of course. 

If John is drowning in a river, and Joan is passing by and happens to be a strong and competent lifeguard, you could argue that that need of John’s could obligate Joan to stop what she’s doing to save him. (But even here, you also could make the point that Joan isn’t sure that she wouldn’t be risking her own safety, and therefore she might be better off calling for help instead, which would increase John’s risk but reduce hers… it’s not always so simple.)

Likewise, even if one partner in a relationship views or expresses certain wants or preferences as needs, it’s not always clear that that automatically obligates the other partner to meet them.

In general, negative needs are usually easier to justify than positive ones, individually and societally. 

An extreme societal example of this:

The safety need and right to “not be assaulted by another person” is difficult to oppose morally and should not be considered difficult for us all to fulfill for others. It should also be enforced legally.

There are some roles and responsibilities regarding caring for needs in relationships that couples will decide upon together, and so then these obligations are put in place, not universally, but based on their mutual commitments. This doesn’t mean they can’t be revisited; they often need to be.

But it does demonstrate the value of clarifying and communicating these expectations both before and during the relationship. 

If one partner says something like:

“Our family is growing; we need a bigger home,” that may or may not be true or feasible, based on their shared assumptions and realities about space and economics. But how they allocate the responsibility to earn, save, shop for, finance, and maintain this potential new home would need to be discussed.

A common source of stress for many couples is that of “intimacy needs,” including but not limited to s-exual requests. These can be especially complex because in monogamous relationships, they can’t be outsourced.

An emotional want such as: “I need to speak with you” may feel like and even be a genuine need, but depending on how time-sensitive the matter is, if it’s not a reasonable moment for the other person, it may have to be delayed. 

When it comes to one partner saying “I have s-exual needs,” with the implication being “and therefore it’s up to you to meet them,” that can create a feeling on non-consent for the other partner. This is not a healthy dynamic, and it can decrease feelings of security, closeness, and mutual pleasure.

Therefore, it can be helpful to re-frame certain requests as “desires, preferences, or fantasies” rather than “needs.” Even if one makes the claim that there is a human “need” for s-exual activity in general, that still doesn’t obligate the other partner to fulfill it at a specifically demanded moment. It does mean that the topic should be addressed in the relationship.

Likewise, for example, if someone says:

“I need s-xual activity at a certain level of frequency” (for example x times per month or week) or “I need us to do xyz in bed together” what that actually means is likely one or more of the following:

“I want that.”

“I was hoping for that.”

“I thought that was the norm/ given/ baseline for couples like us.”

“I think most other people do that.”

“I feel entitled to that.”

“I feel [insert relevant emotion such as: upset/ uncomfortable/ hurt/ insulted/ resentful/ rejected/ unloved/ short-changed, etc] if we don’t do that.” 

Many people don't realize how much of what we call "needs" are actually "wants" and/ or anxiety around what we believe it would mean if we don't get that thing.

It's also important to remember that included in real s-exual needs are safety, bodily autonomy, positive consent, and mutual pleasure, and this is not always referenced in response to expressed wants that are imposed on the accommodating partner. 

One partner taking pleasure at the expense of the other partner’s physical pain or psychological distress is not intimate and not fulfilling needs; it's exploitative, even if unintentionally so.

This doesn’t mean that the partner with less desire is always “right.”

If one partner consistently feels the need for little or no emotional intimacy, and/ or touch or  s-exual activity, it’s both valid and important to address the discrepancy, by discussing respectfully  it within the relationship, and if needed with the help of a professional.

This is not (necessarily or only) to determine “whom to pathologize or blame” for it.

It’s a solution-seeking process, to communicate constructively about it, to become educated about reasonable norms, boundaries, and wants. To figure out and establish moral, compassionate, loving dynamics, and to strategize about how to prioritize, respect, and meet as many of both partners’ needs and wants as possible in ways that are healthy, enjoyable, and loving.

To learn more about how to educate the next generation towards healthy intimate relationships see this: elishevaliss.com/sacrednotsecret