“I do so much in my marriage, why is my spouse still not so interested?”

Or: Why acts of service don’t always translate into intimacy

A common complaint that we hear from spouses who are navigating desire discrepancy goes something like this:

“I know I’m not perfect, but I feel like I’m a good spouse. I work hard to support the family/ take great care of the house/ kids/ uphold my fair share of our joint responsibilities/ speak nicely/ we don’t have big, messy fights. And yet, somehow my partner still has little to no interest in physical intimacy. I’m not sure how much more I can invest and keep feeling so unwanted.”

It can be frustrating and confusing- sometimes for both partners.

Now, what I’m about to write is by no means the only explanation for this. 

But I’ve heard people in this position get told things like: 

“Your partner must be cheating on you,” or 

“the spark has gone out from your relationship”or 

“your partner is not attracted to you” and those feel like big, assumptive jumps, compared to what I see more often which is the following:

Being a loyal, reliable practical partner is wonderful. Foundational and vital to a healthy relationship.

And it’s not the same thing as showing up as a present, emotionally attuned intimate partner.

For many people, the latter is what creates romantic, erotic connection.

Is that fair? I don’t know- maybe? Not really?

Are there some partners who don’t even show up in the practical responsible ways, and still somehow end up with a fulfilling bedroom life? Probably. 

And are there people who show up practically and emotionally and still feel rebuffed and rejected by their partners? Absolutely.

Might there be lots of other reasons for the disinterest? Totally. 

None of this is perfectly formulaic because people are complex and layered and varied. 

So it’s entirely possible that you may have this problem and this explanation is not the answer for you.

But. 

A phenomenon that I see in real life more often than I see it written about is this one:

A spouse is investing in the relationship in lots of logistical, quantifiable, list-able ways, but it doesn’t translate into that loving connection. Here is how I hear it explained by the other partner:

“S/he is technically a wonderful parent/ provider/ roommate/ friend. I can’t complain about anything s/he saying or doing or neglecting. Except being present. And it’s hard to describe or request specifically because it’s kind of subtle but also very palpable. Each complaint sounds so petty, so needy, and each one alone is not a big deal. But it’s a cumulative experience - this dynamic of underlying detachment. 

“Here are some examples: We’re in the same room, maybe even talking, but I can sense the distractedness, the restless energy, the rare eye contact, the fidgety body language, the listening out for the ping or buzz of the phone, or for the pause in the conversation so it can wind down. Responding to vulnerable feelings or thoughts I share with not more than a neutral word or two, or changing the subject when I’m trying to address something important to me. 

“The not remembering or following up on topics I’ve brought up when I try to be mindful of doing that. It could be as simple as remembering to ask: ‘How did it go at the dentist today?’ or ‘How was your meeting?’ It’s about feeling seen, heard, understood, valued, thought of, cherished. 

“I feel like I rarely get sincere-sounding compliments or gestures of affection but it feels so needy and pathetic to have to ask for them, and so I’ve slowed down offering them too, because it feels imbalanced.

“It's especially painful to hear or see a partner respond to other people in their life with what seems like more enthusiasm and warmth than I see for me. And I get it- we see each other daily, so it’s not gonna be a big reunion every time. But I do feel somewhat unappreciated, and even the love feels kind of passive and routine.” 

What’s tricky is that this kind of perceived attunement is not exactly the same for everyone, so while it can be very useful to read about examples of “love languages” (per Chapman) and “bids for connection” (per Gottmans), what feels like magic for one may fall flat for another. 

So a more practical, customized suggestion is to ask kindly and directly:

“Honey (if you call your partner things like that), Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m trying hard to be a good spouse, but like it’s not really landing well, and that our romantic life is still feeling a bit off. Is something bothering you? Are you struggling with anything yourself, or am I doing something that bothers you, or missing out on being there for you in some way? I wonder if you’re feeling it too. But I just miss you, and would love to figure out a way to make our connection more intimate and passionate.” 

(Or some similar version of this prompt that sounds more like your personality and not like you’re quoting a blog post.)

What’s also useful about this constructive conversation idea is that it can work (with a bit of adaptation) for both partners:

Meaning whether you’re the partner who feels the lack of desire and attunement within yourself or if you’re the one who’s missing the physical connection, in either case, bringing up the subject in this way invites the couple to explore together what each one might be missing and hoping to improve. 

Here’s an idea for a reverse prompt: 

“Honey, lately I’ve been feeling like we’re functioning really well as roommates, coparents, even casual friends. I really appreciate everything you do for me (or us, the kids, the house, the community, whatever is relevant) but I’m not feeling emotionally close, and I think it’s affecting our intimate connection. Are you feeling this too? Do you have any thoughts about it? I’d like to share with you what I’m missing and see if we can strengthen that part of us.”  (Or, again, however your personality might paraphrase that.)

When I was a kid, I took horseback riding lessons near my home. The instructor would remind me to look ahead and not look down, because the horse could tell the difference. It made no sense to me, because the horse definitely couldn’t see my eyes, and I didn’t feel any change in my body positioning, but based on its behavior, it somehow knew when my eyes were looking the wrong way and reacted to it. 

I think it’s a bit like that with loved ones sometimes. You can’t prove what they’re thinking about or feeling, but something about the experience of being in their proximity or touch can often activate a sort of 6th sense awareness that has an effect on the dynamic. Unless of course, it’s misread, which likely happens a lot too. But for the most part, we can usually feel when the person in our presence is genuinely “there” and wanting to be, and it makes a real difference. 

What it feels like to the more sensitive partner is calm, secure, present, patient, focused, open-hearted, connected. It also feels intimate and loving. I know, it's so abstract and hard to demonstrate. But it can be learned, and it's so worth striving for.

When evaluating an issue, sometimes it’s helpful to determine if it’s what we call primary, secondary, or situational. Primary means it’s always been this way, secondary means it used to be different but now it’s like this, and situational means it depends on the context. 

When the intimacy disconnect we’re discussing is primary, it’s often the hardest to address because we’re trying to generate something that hasn’t yet been felt in this couple. This doesn’t necessarily mean it can’t be done; just that there isn’t a precedent. But when it’s secondary or situational, it’s helpful to draw upon memory of when the connection has been there, and try to replicate whatever variables are possible or extrapolate to apply to the current situation.

Sometimes this can be done within the couple by discussing, self-educating, and practicing exercises, and sometimes it works better with facilitated assistance from a professional. 

But just the ability to talk about it constructively (without fighting or blaming), name the dynamic, and discuss what each partner is craving is a great place to start. 

You can even use this blog post to start the conversation, if it resonates:)