Is that really so much to ask?

This was originally an email subscriber post in 2022:

Sometimes, (and when I say "sometimes" here, I mean "very often") when I'm working with a couple, one partner will express feeling neglected within the relationship.

That feeling of neglect can look different, depending on the people involved.

"He rarely calls or texts me."

"She hardly initiates touch."

"We never go on vacations."

"I wish we had date nights."

"He's constantly working."

"I feel so unappreciated."

These couples often find themselves in sort of a pursuer-distancer dance: the more one "needs" the more the other withdraws.

The more withdrawal, the more hungry and desperate the other's need, and so the cycle continues. Sometimes, you can even have two partners playing opposite roles, in different areas of the relationship.

Part of couples work is helping partners figure out a way to re-script their dynamic, so that it's not win-lose (I do what he wants, so he's happy but I'm not) or lose-lose (she won't do what I want, so I won't do what she wants). Instead, what we're aiming for is  win-win (I know, you had no idea that was coming, right?)

Win-win looks like this:

"I want to have a happy, connected relationship and so do you. I'd like to try and meet more of your needs 1. because I love and care about you and

2. because that will mean I have a happier spouse who will have more bandwidth to meet more of my needs."

Not tit for tat, or quid pro quo. (Aren't those silly words?)

Not I scratch your back so you scratch mine. (I have cute colorful back-scratchers I got on Amazon-:)

But I spend time with you, in a way that feels warm and safe, so that we get to know each other better, and see what feels good.

The more we do that, the better we get to know each other, and the nicer the time we spend together starts to feel. 

I recently shared a video about how to build more intimate connection for couples. (In case you missed it, I'll link it again at the end.)

One of the caveats I give for doing the exercise is only to do it if both spouses feel ok doing it.

That's because it only really helps if both see it as an investment in a relationship that they both want to improve.

Spending quality time with the person we love is not meant to feel like a favor or obligation for either one; at its best, it's a mutually rewarding act.

In this week's Torah portion, there is an oft-quoted verse (I'm summarizing/ paraphrasing a little here):

"And now, Israel, what does your G-d ask of you? Only the revere G-d, to love Him, to walk in His ways, to serve and worship Him, with your heart and soul, to pretty much do everything He says all the time.."

Like, what's the problem? Just dedicate your whole life to Him, no biggie.

Except for the last two words: "to be good for you."

This command is a promise.

G-d isn't saying: "I'm here to make you miserable, so torture yourself to do what I say, otherwise I'll make you even more miserable." (Although so so sadly, this is the erroneous takeaway some people have from their religious education.)

He's saying: "This is a love relationship. The more time we spend together, the more intimate it is. The more you know Me, the better, safer, sweeter, everything feels.That is the pleasure. That is the reward."

G-d says: "This leap of faith is relatively small, because look at the ROI."

By aligning ourselves with the program of the Creator, we are invited into an eternally abundant way of living.

It's not always easy- emotionally or practically.

In fact it's often really, really tough.

And there's a lot of room to feel all the messy conflicted feelings on these dates.

But the idea is that it's supposed to end up being a win-win.

"What am I asking of you? I'm asking you to take care of you. To be good to yourself and to others; the highest form of spiritual self care. To nourish your own soul. Your intimate relationships- with self, partner, and G-d."

It's not a personal request or a favor; it's an invitation for connection with the most enduring kind of pleasure.

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