Jackets vs Heaters

Note: This was originally published as a subscriber email in 2022:

I don't really like being told what to do- do you?

(Well, except when I'm stuck in decision-making analysis paralysis- then I'm wishing for a prophet to tell me what to do. And it's usually at those times that it's most important for me to make my own decisions.. sigh.)

Some people are natural rule followers, and appreciate the guidance and motivation to "do what's right."

But others are by nature more rebellious, and when told what to do, might actually want to do the exact opposite. (That's how I'm wired. I was always jealous of the kids who somehow knew instinctively how to not get in trouble.)

In Western society, the idea of preaching to others often feels distasteful. "Live and let live," "don't preach," "you do you," right? (Unless we're dealing with political issues; then it becomes trendy to have strong feelings and preach aggressively about them.)

In this week's Torah portion, Noach is told to build an ark to protect him from the flood that was gonna wipe out the world.

He's instructed to spend many (120) years building it, the commentators say, to give him the chance to explain its purpose, in the hopes that it would motivate people would repent.

But he seems to have not done a good enough job as a preacher, because:

1. the flood came and

2. he's then criticized and contrasted with Abraham.

Abraham made a life mission out of teaching the world about moral monotheism, whereas Noach was more introvertedly righteous. They compare it to the difference between putting on a jacket and heating the room. The jacket warms one person, the heater warms everyone.

So what's the ideal- do we live and let live, or do we annoy people by trying to change the world?

The Talmud teaches that while a Torah verse says that we should rebuke our friends, as much as it's important to share advice that's wanted and will be heeded, it's also important to NOT share unsolicited advice that's unwanted and won't be heeded; that tends to make things worse.

When we share wisdom from a place of love, care, and humility, that often come across.

But when we preach from a place of judgement, contempt, or superiority, that comes across too, and can be off-putting, having the opposite of the desired effect. (Bonus points for hypocrisy on that one.)

As a religious person who works in the field of mental health, and is by nature a little bossy (ok very bossy- I'm an oldest daughter; my parents use to call the the walking superego)  I struggle between the desire to study, know, and share ideas that feel important and helpful, and also wanting to be, y'know- not so insufferable.

I learned something powerful about the difference from a student about this years ago (I was a school teacher in a past life):

She had asked me whether something was permitted as part of Sabbath/ Shabbos observance or not. I told her that as far as I knew, that was listed in the Code of Jewish Law as an offshoot of one the 39 acts that are not performed on the Sabbath as observed Halachically (by Jewish law.)

She replied that she appreciated not being told "you're not allowed to do that on the Sabbath" but instead being told: "I believe this is what it says in the source." I wasn't telling her what to do, I was sharing with her what I'd learned. I hadn't done that intentionally, but once she pointed it out to me, I became more aware of trying to teach that way. (I fail at this- a lot. But I believe in it and still try to do it imperfectly.)

So to answer the question: Abraham's approach of trying to be a positive influence seems to have been more effective than Noach's, maybe due to the style and maybe due to the audience. But the Rabbinic directive to share from a place of sensitivity and knowing the audience is instructive as well.

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