Modesty Re-visited (yikes:)

Note: some words are hyphenated per readers' requests to bypass filters.

A few years ago, I was asked by a colleague to contribute to a book she was compiling. It was a series of essays, written by Jewish women, addressing the complexity of religious modesty. I respected both her and the project, but I chickened out. The topic just felt too fraught, too sensitive, too trauma-laden, and the ideological zeitgeists too shapeshifting for me to feel comfortable publishing words that couldn’t later be edited if my opinions changed. I don’t know whether I made the right decision or not. I know that I felt serious “fomo” when the book was released, and I got to read the excellent writing of many of my friends and colleagues who were willing to take the risk. (But that also may have totally just been my ego.)

Recently, a liberal professor I follow online posted his reaction to someone else’s short video. The original video was someone sharing the following question (which made the professor angry):

“How should I explain to my 10 year old daughter why it’s inappropriate for her to wear a crop top?”

The gist of the response was, predictably, that the focus should be on teaching men not to se-xualize little girls, rather than censoring what girls and women should be wearing.

Most of the comments were continued anger at the idea that “what girls and women wear” should be regulated because of the inappropriate thoughts and behaviors of men and boys. Lots of proud parents boasting about how they allow their kids to wear "whatever they like," declaring their physical freedom of self-expression.

I generally try not to participate in these discussions online; I don’t find them especially productive, although in person, and in certain contexts, I do.

But there was one comment by a Muslim woman, politely and eloquently explaining why in her opinion and belief system, people cover more of their bodies as a matter of self-respect, rather than a shame-based message for women to take responsibility for men’s behavior. She started her comment with “as a Muslim woman” and so I started my reply to hers with “as a Jewish woman I have similar thoughts about this,” and went on to elaborate a bit.

I thought it might be refreshing for there to be a Muslim and a Jewish woman sharing a moment of ideological commonality online. The other commenters went on to attack a side point of her comment, which was not addressed in my response. But it inspired me to write down the ”more” I’d have shared if it weren’t an emotionally charged comments section of someone else’s post. I may take this down at some point, but it’s a thought I’ve had many times, as a way to understand modesty that doesn’t feel oppressive (to me) :

Let’s start with a different scenario:

I think most reasonable people could agree that if a man were to get on a city bus wearing nothing on the lower half of his body, we would not celebrate this as his freedom of self-expression. In the West, most of us do share a cultural or intuitive sense of decency, for all human bodies, as far as what is appropriate to expose in public or not. If I were on a bus and that happened, I would look away, for safety, sure, but also because I don’t want to see that much of someone else’s body in public- male or female. It would make most of us uncomfortable in that context.

As a religious person, I believe there is objective sanctity to the body, but I believe most reasonable, secular minded folks would likely grant that going outside with genitals exposed is not for polite company, at least the way society is, in the here and now. Whether it's objectively obscene, or attributing sexual relevance to some body parts over others is a social construct could be debated, but regardless, that’s the social contract in most public spaces in the West as of now.

Okay, so let’s assume most of us agree that dignified humans (as opposed to, say, animals) wear some version of clothes, yes, for warmth and weather-protection and creativity, and aesthetics, but also, because we acknowledge that there is merit in not exposing our nudity to one another everywhere, all the time. And that the minimal example of that, nearly universally, is covering the “loins” area, again, because we recognize that there is something more personal and private about that.

Again: this could be Biblically sourced, like for us people of faith, or it could be intuitive or (bio)logical- but at this point, it’s societal.

So the next question becomes: If we agree that societal public nudity could make some people uncomfortable, and therefore, we agree that we don’t go out in public exposed, how do we define “nudity” vs decency? And that is where the different opinions and values come into play.

Some might say: just a loin-cloth will do. I’d guess that most of us would still be uncomfortable sitting next to that person on the bus in just a loin-cloth.

So what then? Underwear? Shorts? Bikinis? At what point do we say:

“This is the amount of fabric coverage that means one person is not flashing his or her body to non-consenting strangers”?

A lot has to do with context as well.

What’s appropriate in a locker room or on a beach is not the same as on the subway or in a professional setting. (This is true of not only attire but language and behavior as well.)

And what is minimally appropriate on a legal and enforce-able level, might be different from each person's and community's own boundaries and sensitivities. (I don't want Sharia law or anything like it, ever.)

And to be very clear:

Regardless of how much of a person’s body is showing or covered, man or woman, adult or child, it’s pretty much never appropriate to touch a stranger. (“Pretty much” meaning to exclude things like shoving them out of the way of an oncoming car or train.)

I would extend that to say that it’s also never appropriate to gaze at or fantasize about a stranger in a sexual way either, but I realize for some people that may be gray area. (But never children- it’s never appropriate for anyone to s-exualize a child in any way, ever.)

No matter what anyone is wearing or revealing, they should always be treated with respect, dignity, and of course, safety. That should go without saying, but I’m saying it anyway.

And there are tragically, many people who are violated even when they are covered from head to toe; clothing is not armor against predators. Predators are 100% responsible for their crimes, regardless of what their victims were wearing.

And.

An analogy:

No one has the right to break into my home and steal things. But I lock my doors, because I know there are people (like burglars) who don’t respect those rules. I don’t want to make it easy for them to come in and take what isn’t theirs, or worse. If they do so anyway, they broke the law, even if I forgot to lock a door or window.

Their job is to not steal. My job is to make it not as easy for people to steal from me.

We can’t control everyone. We can only control ourselves.

Another example:

I didn’t post pictures of my children online, not because I think posting gives predators permission to abuse those pictures. Those who do this are practicing evil. I wish I could stop all of them, but so far, I can’t. And so for now, what I can do is try to make my own children becoming the object of predatory evil less accessible to the evildoers.

Now, back to the topic of modesty:

I’m not in charge of and can't control how people look at, talk about, or think about others’ bodies. Personally, I try to view other people as not just bodies, (or brains, or jobs, or clothes or social status...) and try to teach my kids and anyone else who cares about my opinion to do the same.

And, I try to present and protect myself and the humans I was put in charge of raising and protecting, in ways that honor our dignity, identity, privacy, and safety.

So, I believe in trying to dress and act modestly, not because I’m afraid of predatory people. (I’d be afraid of them either way.) I try to act and dress modestly, in a nutshell, because of my own many and complex religious, cultural, and personal perceptions about what physicality and sanctity are, and how I want to show up and be seen as a human being, as not only a body, but also a mind, heart, and soul. (And also because I’m usually cold:)

A while back, I offered a one-time talk related to this subject, and we then made the recording available- it’s titled: Modesty Education Fails and Fixes.