Money is Funny Sometimes

Note: This was originally written as a subscriber email in 2022:

Over the last week or two, I noticed a couple of funny interactions. They were situations where people wanted to pay me for something, and I found myself asking them not to.

Which is weird, because

1. money is useful and

2. I had done something for them that normally people pay for.

But these were specific instances in which I actively prevented payment.

It got me thinking about the different reasons we will opt to do stuff pro bono, or refuse compensation for our work or time.

Sometimes it's based on a relationship: we have friendship with or gratitude to the individual involved, or their family, and welcome an opportunity to offer or reciprocate kindness.

Other times, I don't feel the favor I did was performed in a way that I'd feel comfortable charging for it.

Still other times, I have a specific kind of respect for the individual, or unique empathy for their circumstances, that it feels right to personally offer them something helpful; acts of kindness separate form work are important parts of live and emotionally rewarding.

At a less altruistic level, sometimes what looks like a favor, could also be an investment- by volunteering, speaking, writing, or consulting in certain scenarios, it can lead to other opportunities to do more of that at higher levels of industry.

I would add to this last point, though, that, in my humble opinion, it's not respectful practice to request this, especially in a way that makes it sound like offering a favor. For example:

"Hey- I wanna offer you 'an exciting opportunity!' We're 'inviting you to use our platform' to share your ideas. It's such 'amazing exposure' for you!"

Most professionals see through this; what it really means is:

"We want to use your time, service, or and knowledge on our platform, for the benefit our our business or organization, but we don't want to compensate you for it, so let's pitch it as a favor for you."

I'm not saying the request itself is never appropriate, but then be up front about it:

"Hey we really appreciate your work and would love to feature it in/ on our (event/blog/social media etc), if you'd be open to it. We know your time is valuable, but don't have the budget for an honorarium, or this is not a paid slot, so we completely understand if it's not something you do. We do have an audience of X-thousand engaged viewers, so some contributors find that it's worthwhile for them to participate for networking and marketing purposes. Might this be something you would consider?"

Even for folks who don't offer goods or services for a living- you can probably relate to this feeling- that there are times when it feels really good to give or volunteer, and you don't want payback.

There might be other times where you feel like a request is disingenuous, and still other times, where others are offering to do something for you, but you just don't feel comfortable accepting it.

Giving, taking, and receiving are not always what they appear to be at first glance; there's a lot of subtext.

Money and favors are so relationally contextual that way.

In this week's Torah portion, Avraham does a really big favor for the king of Sedom. (He basically wins a war for him- that he was totally losing beforehand.)

Avraham did it to save his nephew Lot.

Other people had gifted and compensated Avraham in various contexts, but in this case, Avraham said:

"I don't even want a thread or a shoelace from you. I don't want anyone to say that you made me rich."

If it were someone else, we could mistake that for ego. But in this case, it was psychological insight. The values and culture of Sedom were such that altruistic acts of kindness were rare and suspicious.

Even fair business was corrupt and subject to distortion.

It doesn't feel good to be beholden to others- even others we love and trust, but certainly those we don't. Sometimes it's better to just say: "happy to help- no charge" and leave it at that.

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