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No clue why I did this

Writer's picture: Elisheva LissElisheva Liss

This was originally published as a subscriber schmoozeletter email, a few years ago:


Today I was thinking about something that happened when I was around 10 years old.


I was in sleep-away camp, and they used to have mandatory swimming twice a day in the lake. The freezing cold, lily pad filled, swampy-gross-bottom lake. I did not like swimming in the lake. (In fact, for most of my childhood, I thought I hated swimming. Then, I was once invited to swim in a clean, private, heated, pool, and found that it wasn't actually swimming I hated. Now I actually love it.)


Anyway, some of us used to try and find ways to miss the swim activity. One day, I went down to the waterfront fully dressed. (I even remember I was wearing a jean skirt and a turquoise tee.) I figured if I wasn't in my swimsuit, they couldn't make me go in. The instructor yelled at me to run back and change, but the head lifeguard said to stay and just sit on the dock.


After a little while, it started to rain, then came thunder and lightning, so they blew the whistles and ordered everyone to hurry out of the water, yelling repeatedly that everyone must clear out. Once every kid was out of the lake, and the counselors were telling us to start heading back to the bunks to change, I did something odd. I stood up on the dock, and jumped into the lake, fully clothed. I had no idea why. I got yelled at (unsurprisingly) and then came out.


Years later, I was reading the work of Gretchen Rubin, who wrote The Happiness Project and some other great books. In one of them, she talks about four personality tendencies: Questioners, Upholders, Obligers, and Rebels. When she described them, I had a hard time pinning myself down to just one. (In general I find that with categorizing personalities- I tend to relate to most of the options.) But when I think back to episodes like the one at the Camp Morasha lake, I'm inclined to go with rebel. I wasn't a typical rebel as a kid or teen (that implies coolness, and I was decidedly nerdy. I also wasn't angry.). But I did and still do have a hard time with rules and structure. I think maybe 10 year old me jumped into the lake, even though she hated it, because at that moment it had become forbidden. It wasn't thought through- it was impulsive. 


I've known for a long time that I struggled to follow certain types of rules, and for many years I felt bad about it. I was envious of those who just seemed to naturally fall into step with being "good" and were content to not make waves. I would get kicked out of class regularly, and wonder how others managed not to.


In this week's Torah portion, we receive a law that is called the ultimate "chok"- a law we're meant to follow simply because "G-d says so." (It has to do with a perfectly red cow.) It doesn't seem to make any rational human sense- it's even counter-intuitive. The commentators explain that we need some practices like this to keep us humble- that it's human nature to question and even mock rules we don't understand. But when we can study and adhere to them because they are Biblical and Divine, it's a reminder that our intellect is finite, we are mortal, and it's ok to have limitations in faith.


Also in this week's reading, Moses gets mad at the Jews and calls them an interesting word: "HaMorim." In that context, it means "rebels" or "fools." But the more usual translation of that Hebrew word is "teachers" or "guides."


I was thinking that maybe the same word is used for both "rebels" and "guides", to indicate that the quality of being a rebel by nature isn't necessarily all bad. Some of the greatest leaders and innovators have this nature- the need to challenge and struggle, in order to then channel that energy to make a difference and inspire positive change.


I've noticed that some of the toughest kids sometimes become very impactful adults. It's something important to remember when we're involved in raising or educating kids that don't naturally conform or obey. (Like don't tell them to "go jump in a lake," because they might actually just go ahead and do so the minute you blow the "come out" whistle:)


G-d knows that it's hard for His children to do and endure things that we don't fully understand. Balancing that humility and faith with a constant yearning to learn, know more, and make meaning, is a big part of our life's mission.


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