“No one is even talking about you!” sounds good, but is it true?

You’ve probably heard the message by now. 

The verbiage changes slightly with each motivational talk but the gist is something like:

“I used to worry a lot about what other people were thinking or saying about me, until I had this breakthrough and realized: They’re not even thinking or talking about me at all! People are much more preoccupied with themselves, so I should just not care and do my own thing!” 

I’d heard this idea, and somewhat appreciated it, likely even repeated some version of it to others, but also had this niggling sense that it wasn’t entirely accurate. 

Because I do hear people talking about others. 

And, much as it’s not cool to admit it, I do notice and have thoughts about what other people say and do, and I’m pretty sure others do this too.

It’s trendy and aspirational to be non-judgemental but it’s also human and normal to be… at least a little judgemental, at least sometimes.

Humans are social creatures; most of us need relationships in order to thrive. We learn, develop, express, and evolve by observing and interacting with one another. It’s how we pick up social cues, figure out if our words and deeds (or goods and services) are landing the way intended, and determine our next move. 

When the people around us reflect that we are engaging with them in ways that resonate, that’s information. 

And if people in our lives begin avoiding us or giving us feedback that they are displeased with our words or behaviors, that is also information. 

Particularly if these responses are consistent across multiple relationships.

It would be unwise to wholesale ignore this potentially useful data.

And so to say: 

“Who cares what others think? They’re not even thinking about you!” 

Or: “It doesn’t matter what they think or say about you!”

May sound liberating on the surface, but it’s a little disingenuous and sometimes counterproductive. 

Because actually,  some people might be thinking about, talking about, even judging you, just like you may be doing some of that about others. 

And some people's feelings, opinions, and responses to you might matter to you- emotionally or practically, and that’s not necessarily because you’re weak or insecure. 

It’s because our interpersonal connections are a significant part of our identity and well-being. 

We don’t need to nor should we calibrate everything we say or do to the expectations of others or in the name of a curated, inauthentic image or reputation.

That extreme is a suppression of self that the original messaging is meant to challenge. 

But the opposite extreme, a radically individualistic rejection of any social consciousness or the way we are perceived by others is equally self-sabotaging and even dangerous. 

We don’t want to reject ourselves trying to be liked by others, but we also don’t want to reject everyone else by overly centering ourselves. 

A quote I love about this balance is:

“If I’m not for myself, who will be for me? And if I’m only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” 

- Rabbi Hillel

The nuance I strive for is a semi-permeable membrane of influence, where my core sense of self, the soul, the integrity, the moral compass is grounded in conviction, but where I can also welcome input from others, judiciously and discerningly.

When it’s constructive and relevant, I can use it to refine my opinions and behaviors.

And if not, I can dismiss it- not pretend it doesn’t exist or that I don’t care, but choose to disagree and carry on. 

I also try to be aware of and edit my own internal thoughts, opinions, and feelings about others to make them as respectful and empathetic as I can, while also trying to stay true to my own moral and ethical paradigms. (It’s a work in progress..)

People are very likely noticing us, thinking about us, even talking about us. 

And that’s (mostly) ok. 

Assessing how our behavior may land with others (even critics) can help us sensitize and elevate the way we speak and show up. 

Not because we need to please or impress everyone; we don’t and we can’t. 

But because our impact does matter, and so do our interpersonal connections, and so considering others’ perspectives can help us improve ourselves and our relationships.

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