Pesach Prep Pandemonium Prevention Pointers

A friend recently asked for a “quick pointer” to include as a paragraph or two in an article she was writing about Pesach preparation for a Jewish magazine. She wanted to address the common issue of pre- Yom Tov overwhelm. The questions she used as a prompt for this were a little challenging because responding to them helpfully would have meant writing at least two whole articles on their own. 

So I gave her a couple of ideas, but then realized that I could actually write my own longer piece about this as well.

I share this as someone who is naturally not at all organized or domestically competent, and so making Pesach has always been… “not my skill set.” People who are far better at this have written more extensively on the subject, and it’s probably a good idea to check out their suggestions too. But sometimes it can be specifically helpful to hear from the more compromised as well, because we need it simple, so here are some general ideas that I imagine could be helpful for most families:

1 Figure out what you genuinely believe you need to do. 

In my early years, I was including certain time-consuming and stressful tasks and stringencies that, I only realized later on, were not actually necessary. Although when it comes to Pesach, there is a custom to be extra careful and not mock those who do more, there are also direct commandments to protect our health and to not mistreat our family members. A number of years ago, I attended a pre-Pesach lecture by one of the stricter Rabbis in our neighborhood, and his clarity about what does and doesn’t need to happen Halachically revolutionized my approach to Pesach, liberating me to focus on the obligational priorities first, and only add extras if there’s time and interest, without pressure. So I would recommend getting educated to clarify the musts vs the extras so you can prioritize accordingly. Knowledge is power, my friends, sometimes less is more, and lots of other cliches, probably. 

2 Resist the social hysteria.

In some social groups, extra stress is created through constant commenting, complaining, comparing, panicking, or gloating about extensive and elaborate Pesach prep. It can often be helpful to discuss plans, share ideas, and indulge in some moderate venting. But if you notice that the chatter around Pesach prep is starting to get under your skin, remind yourself that you don’t need to buy into the Pesach anxiety hype. It’s a holiday, there are things to do, and they will, in all likelihood get done. Others’ lists, timelines, rules, budgets, menus, etc don’t have to dictate yours. If you find hearing them to be motivating and helpful, that’s great. But if it’s stressing you out, then try to tune it out. 

3 Make it a team project.

I’m a big fan of family meetings. It can be helpful to sit down with everyone in the household- parents and children who are old enough to help (or fake-help; my kids were great at wiping down the banisters when they were little). If you’re having company that’s available to pitch in, they can be included too. 

Come prepared with a list of tasks that need to get done: cleaning, re-organizing, inventory, shopping, kashering, covering, cooking, set-up, etc. If you can include general time lines for when you want each category finished that’s great too. If just creating these lists sounds overwhelming, there’s no need to do it from scratch; there are some excellent ones online that you can copy and adapt to your household. Don’t worry about it being perfect; it can always be edited as you go along, if you think of more items, or realize the timing needs to be adjusted. A starting point is all you need for this. 

Ask everyone to volunteer for what they feel they can take on, and keep negotiating until all the jobs are delegated realistically, to age- and skill- appropriate participants.This includes noting what might be outsourced to paid professionals and who will schedule and confirm them. 

You can have one or two follow up meetings to check in to be sure everyone is managing on task or provide extra support as needed. You could also (or alternatively) keep track of it all on a shared google doc (there are probably better apps for this, but I’m Gen X and low tech so this is what I use). The tasks can be listed by person and/ or color-coded, and then each person can put a check beside or a line through them when they’re completed. (That is so satisfying:) 

Clarity and communication about who is doing what and when can help reduce overwhelm, share the busy-ness, teach kids responsibility, and redirect nervous energy to actually getting things done.

4 Whistle while you work.

Martyr mentality manufactures misery. (As you can see from the title of this post, I love gratuitous alliteration.) Have you ever thought, said, or heard someone else say: “I feel like I’m the only one doing anything around here!”? That’s not a fun feeling and it’s not fun for others to hear. If item 3 is executed well, that should eliminate or at least reduce the likelihood of this problem (or perception). But even when we’re doing our own self-appointed jobs, we can get to grumbling and stressing a bit. Which is normal and permissible, but also, it’s nicer to try generating a better mood, if possible. Consider putting on music, an audiobook, interesting Torah class, stand up comedy, or anything else that will engage or entertain your brain while doing menial work. It can be cute to gamify tasks too, by setting timers, cheerleading the process within the group, and celebrating wins. 

If you have whimsy in your heart, sing or dance or narrate dramatically as you go along. Start new projects by chanting: “Hey guys! Welcome back to my channel!” to an empty room. Sometimes on the to-do list, I’ll put a hero or trophy emoji next to jobs I wasn’t excited to do but completed. Because you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, (even when I’m the fly I’m trying to catch).

5 Done is more realistic than perfect

Once, I semi-ironically quoted the platitude “done is better than perfect” to my son who replied drily: “But is it really, though?” 

And he’s right, it’s not. 

But “perfect is the enemy of the good enough” or something like that. 

As a type B minus person, especially regarding housework, I don’t relate to perfectionistic over-achieving in that way. But for those who do, a gentle reminder to just do your reasonable best without over-burdening yourself or those who live with you, logistically or emotionally. 

(And when people in your life try to be helpful or clever by pulling out lines like:

“Pesach cleaning isn’t Spring cleaning.”

“Dust isn’t chametz.”

“Your family/ sanity is not the korban Pesach.”

“Ironic how we slave away to remember that we were freed from slavery.”

Just chuckle politely as if you’ve never heard that before.)

To end with a simple, relevant Torah thought (so please feel free to zone out for this part): 

We usually translate the word Pesach to mean “Passover” (or “mouth that speaks,” homiletically). But Targum Onkelos translates it in the verb form as “to show compassion,” and in fact Rashi quotes this as the first definition, (followed by “to skip over”). In that sense, while the meaning of the holiday is, of course, to remember the Exodus miracles and Paschal offering, it sounds like it could also be a call for compassion. And given what this time of year sometimes elicits, a little more compassion for others and for ourselves feels worthwhile.