Some Personal Reflections on the Epstein Files

Are you also seeing a lot of confusing and conflicting information on this deeply disturbing saga?

Over the years, my own trust of the media has been eroded down to nearly zero, and yet, it’s still essentially our primary source of, at least what people say is happening in the world. 

It’s not a surprise to many of us to see what appears to be confirmation that unspeakable forms of abuse are rampant in both Hollywood and broader power culture, including politicians, tycoons, and other celebrities. But I think the scope, extent, and brutality of what’s emerging, including the excruciating detail, is evoking fresh layers of pain, anger, and fear. 

Part of what is so destabilizing about these kinds of revelations is the betrayal, the sense of never knowing whom we can really trust, and the sometimes blurry lines between victims, accomplices, and predators. (Meaning for example, within the cycle of abuse, it seems that sometimes a young person is groomed, victimized, traumatized, brainwashed, extorted, radicalized, and then blackmailed into becoming an adult perpetrator as well.) 

It’s also confusing because in the divisive political polarization of the last decade or so, many formed a moral identity around the ideological causes espoused by their camp. Yet as we’re learning, this web of corruption seems to transcend partisan, communal, international, and religious lines. 

As Dr. Viktor Frenkl, a Jewish Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist taught: 

“[In a way,] there are really only two human races: the decent and the indecent.”

As a mother, a therapist, and a human, hearing about the extent of atrocities some are capable of makes me wish I could apply for a transfer to a different species, or at least a new planet. 

And yet, somehow, we need to be here, coexisting with the darkest evil… I was going to say imaginable, but honestly, I couldn’t even have imagined it. 

Another part is the sense of helplessness. The knowledge that all kinds of cruelty and sadism against innocents continues to happen constantly, and I don’t know how to save them. 

So in a childlike effort to channel and reduce the angst, I sometimes resort to magical thinking, wishing, and praying: 

I imagine (and request) a Biblical-style miracle, where every predator who harmed or plans to harm children (or women or any other innocent victim) just spontaneously combusts (like those Hizballah terrorists) and then the energy released from the explosions triggers a radical, immediate, and complete psychological healing of all the survivors. 

I imagine this fantasy, not because it’s realistic, but because it's actually more fathomable to me than what actually did happen, so I’d prefer to visualize and hope for that. 

There’s a line from Ezekiel that’s often quoted in prayer: 

“G-d [doesn’t] want the wicked to die, rather that they repent their ways and live.” 

I used to naturally feel that kind of mercy, wishing no harm to anyone, to “perish the sin and not the sinner.” Happy endings where the bad guys see the light.

But this level of depravity… only G-d could know for sure that that someone’s repentance is permanent, and so as a mortal and a mom, I want them gone. For good. 

Not just out of vengeance, but for safety. 

Some crimes have no penance in this lifetime.

There’s another category of predatory behavior that some don’t realize is dangerous as well: 

This is the sickeningly widespread crime of watching what used to be called child p-rnogrpahy and is now  more appropriately now child s-xual abuse material (csam). 

There are some individuals who say they would never go as far as physically hurting another person, but do have the temptation to view videos of someone else doing so, and somehow find that enjoyable. 

They attempt to justify this, claiming that they’re not causing any new trauma; the material is already there and they’re “just” watching it.

Aside from the psychological damage it does to share and expose oneself and others to such evil, and to actively take pleasure in watching the worst experiences of an innocent person’s life as a twisted form of entertainment, there are very real and practical ramifications to providing an audience, and sometimes even a paid market, for such sinister exploitation. 

The more “demand” there is online for p-dophilic content, the more incentive there is for these monsters to “create” more of it.

There are even some professionals so corrupt and misguided as to try to sanitize and depathologize the actions of those who follow these reprehensible temptations as “MAPs”- minor attracted persons. As if it’s just a harmless preference. 

We don’t know what creates the tendency for these feelings, and I try not to judge people for their inner thoughts and darkest temptations if they’re not enacted, but rationalizing or normalizing any kind of behavior that s-xually abuses children is the reddest societal flag I could imagine. 

And so if this post happens to cross the path of someone who consumes csam or feels a temptation to harm or view children in this way, I beg you to seek out immediate and qualified professional help, to not only potentially save children from this trauma, but also to save yourself from the trauma and guilt of having been a perpetrator or enabler of it . 

I don’t know if we’ll ever know the full, accurate story of Jeffrey Epstein and his diabolical network. 

Maybe the versions we’re hearing now are exaggerated, maybe it’s under-reported, maybe it’s mistaken. Maybe it’s even a hoax.

But we do know that these crimes happen. 

That there are individuals and groups who traffic and harm children and other vulnerable innocents this way, and that that there are survivors (and tragically, some who don’t survive) who’ve been through this torture and have reported on it. 

We know that it’s still going on, across the globe and in our own countries, and that in itself is beyond tolerable. 

Then there are all the ripple effects; the survivors of other trauma who now have to face the triggers of these headlines everywhere they read, watch, or click for news.

The relatives and friends who are finding out that their loved ones were abused.

The relatives and friends (and constituents and fans) who are finding out that people they thought they knew and could trust may have been involved in the crimes.

And the besmirched names of innocent people whose names are caught in the crossfire of the files because they, for example, once drove an Uber for someone who worked for the guy.

The mess and breadth of partially redacted and likely edited material has amplified confusion, rage, fear, and a witch hunt, where almost everyone is suspected, and no one knows who is safe.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who wishes we could just wave a magic wand and fix it all. 

But it’s too big, too much, too difficult to bear or solve at once, and so many belief systems offer paradigms of repair, a vision for a better future. 

“Tikkun Olam” is a widely referenced Jewish one.

And so we pray and cry and donate and educate and advocate, and just try to do whatever little bit is within our abilities to support survivors, and to create and contribute to a better, safer, healthier, kinder future. 

There’s nothing original or special about the ideas in this post, but I wanted to write out these thoughts for myself, and I find that when I’m feeling pain about something, I’m rarely the only one. So I figured I’d share, in case it helps someone else to read it.