Struggling with Strong Feelings

This was originally published in a schmoozeletter email in 2021:

Lately, I've been thinking about the idea of being a moderate. For a while now, I've considered myself a moderate- personally, professionally, politically, and religiously.

Not by nature- by nature I can be strong-minded and opinionated. But I try to be a moderate by intention- I don't like extremism, and I don't like how I get when I feel too fired-up about stuff.

I find that I'm more balanced, honest, empathetic, and effective when I'm able to calibrate my ideological passion. It takes a lot of internal work, and it's an ongoing challenge, but over the long haul it's worth the effort. (It was actually a big part of the inner process that led me to formulate the "horizon of healthy thinking" technique, which transformed my life and informs my work.)

But.

Lately, I've been feeling less moderate.

Maybe it's the extremist energy in the world at large.

Maybe it's the fact that my people are literally under attack.

Maybe it's the ebb and flow of personal development or midlife disinhibition.

But whereas I've tried to stay away from politics and ideological debate, now, despite myself I'm more drawn towards some of it.

Because it's not just theoretical.

Real lives are at stake.

Maybe they always were.

I've become more vocal on my blog and social media about Israel and my Jewishness. Which is ironic, because given the current wave of antisemitism, it might be more intuitive to quiet those parts of one's identity. (And I wouldn't judge those who do.) But it seems to have had the opposite effect on me. And while in general, I try to hold space for disagreement, when it comes to vilifying Israel, or attacking Jews, I have to admit, I've become intolerant. (Not to be confused with criticizing Israel or Jews. I'm okay that. That's how we improve ourselves.)

In this week's Torah portion, G-d responds to someone's strong feelings of righteous indignation. Phineas/ Pinchas sees a Jewish leader acting out sexually on principle, and trying to humiliate Moses/ Moshe by implying that he did the same. In his zealousness to defend Moshe's honor, Pinchas threw a spear at the culprits, killing them on the spot (Don't try this at home. Maybe a broccoli spear, if you're really mad. No wait- don't throw anything, k?)

But all that happened last week. (Well, in last week's portion.) 

This week, we hear the response: Pinchas is promised a covenant of peace.

Wait- what?

Peace?

He just killed two people.

With a spear.

That kind of feels like the opposite of peace.

But maybe that's the point.

It's a detached state of privilege to be a moderate in all things.

It sounds all well and good to be someone who can just "live and let live"- never break a sweat- just take it easy and feel the love. Kumbaya.

I would love that existence, honestly, to just shrink away from the ugly stuff.

But there are some times and circumstances whereby passivity and tolerance end up allowing the proliferation of evil.

As I once heard Dennis Prager say: Some people say it's evil to fight; some people choose to fight evil. Wishing away wars is utopian but childish- if all the good guys de-militarized, the world would get taken over by the bad guys. And we pray for that day to come.

But until then, sometimes, we need to stand up for what we believe is right, even and especially when it's hard and unpopular.

And that's when we need the extra blessing- the covenant of peace. Because we don't (or at least I don't) want to become a tough, contentious person all around.

Despite the messy world we have to navigate, I still want that inner peace, that desire for love and harmony, that capacity for empathy.

So that's the reward, that's the balance, for Pinchas, and hopefully for all those who lift the spear of Jewish pride, to defend our people. If we can muster zealous energy to stand up for what's right, that actually strengthens peace and goodness in us and the world.