The Marriage-Saving Art of Empathetic Rejection

Please note some words are hyphenated upon readers' requests due to filters:

“There’s so much tension around this that we find ourselves sometimes avoiding going to bed at the same time. Like one of us will fall asleep on the couch and come in later or take extra long in the shower. That uncomfortable feeling we have around one of us wanting but not knowing how the other will feel, nervous about feeling rejected and lonely and disappointed. And the other one's pressure to choose between the pressure to be s-xual when it doesn’t feel right or bear the guilt of rejecting and disappointing. This dynamic just creates distance and insecurity instead of closeness. And it happens outside the bedroom sometimes too- one of us will float out the idea of going out for dinner, or planning a couples vacation, or even just hesitate to initiate some affectionate touch, and it often just feels stressful for both of us, and we end up feeling resentful.” 

The issue of desire discrepancy, including but not only within the physical relationship, is not inherently dysfunctional- in fact, it’s more normal than not for one spouse to have stronger attachment desires than the other, or at least for them not to present at the same times in the same ways. These are natural differences in personalities, just like we don’t all have the same appetites and tastes in food. 

But when the discrepancy is so wide or fraught or constant, it can become a more serious problem.

Bu the core issue, this discomfort, the fear of rejection that sometimes leads to shut down or resentment, is a common relationship struggle that can be addressed in ways that either exacerbate or mitigate the problem. 

It doesn’t feel good to be rejected, and it also doesn’t feel good to disappoint the person you love. 

It doesn’t feel good to have to choose between being vulnerable to ask for connection or holding back and waiting for an invitation that might not come for a while.

It also doesn’t feel good to have to choose between sharing yourself at a time or in a way that feels overwhelming or risk hurting the person you love. 

This dance of pursuer-distancer can take the fun out of romantic connection and turn what could otherwise be a source of joy and intimacy into a source of distress and a cycle of frustration or worse. 

One of the ways to disrupt and replace the negative cycle is to learn the art of empathetic rejection.

To explain this, we’ll borrow from the Gottmans’ concept of bids for connection:

When a partner makes a bid for connection, some sort of indication of wanting to connect emotionally, verbally, or physically, there are three primary ways we can respond:

1 Turning against

2 Turning away

3 Turning toward

Turning against is harsh rejection, and it looks like this:

“Hey hon- wanna do a date night? We could go out for dinner, and then turn in early to make love?” (Or whatever is your language of choice for this- that’s for another blog post.)

“Are you kidding me right now? Do you have any idea what kind of day I had? Read the room- this is not the time to ask for that.”

The bid is friendly and inviting and the response is aggravated, unsympathetic, and harsh. The feeling may be justified, that it’s an impractical time to make a bid like this, but there are kinder, more relational ways to say so.

Turning away is less confrontational, more avoidant.

Here’s an example of turning away:

Picture the same question, “how about a date night?” but if it’s a text message or voice note, it gets ignored. 

Or if it’s a verbal question, the answer is either noncommittal, changing the subject, or reluctant:

“I’m not sure- I have to see how the day plays out.”

“Oh- that reminds me; did we RSVP to your cousin’s wedding yet?”

“Um, I guess? I’m kind of tired but if you really want to we could.” 

There’s nothing inherently bad about these responses but you could imagine that it doesn’t feel so great to the inviter- it’s lukewarm and a little deflating.

Turning toward is generally the optimal approach because it's accepting and reciprocating the connection. If the invitee is available and happy to accept, then the answer could be warm and appreciative, something like:

“That sounds great! Does 8pm work? How about you make a reservation and I’ll call the sitter? l’m looking forward.” 

But sometimes it genuinely isn’t a good time to respond to a bid for connection with a resounding yes, either for practical reasons or personal ones. 

That is where the art of empathetic rejection comes in and in a way, it's also a form of turning towards. 

Now, picture the same request again: “How about a date night?”

“Oh wow- that sounds so nice. I would love to. But unfortunately, {and here you insert a reason for why it’s not a great time for that, such as: I’ve had a particularly hard day, I’m drained, and I don’t think I’ll have the energy to enjoy or show up the way I’d want to. 

Or: That would be so nice! But I already promised x I would help them with y tonight. 

Or: These days, it works better for me if we could plan a bit more in advance- let’s look at the calendar.} Thank you for thinking of it though, it’s a great idea and I’d love to spend some time together soon.”

Then you can make a counter offer of a way to spend time together that works better for you such as: 

Order in takeout and relax together if you’re not up for going out.

Go for dinner but not have s-x that day.

Skip dinner out and just s-x.

No dinner out or s-x, but let’s just cuddle and watch a movie/ show/  play a game/ go for a drive/ get ice cream/ have a drink or reschedule the date for tomorrow/ next week. 

Empathetic rejection says: “I love you and value our relationship. I appreciate the fact that you prioritized us by suggesting we do something nice together. It happens not to work for me right now in that way, but I don’t want you to feel bad for asking and I also want to connect with you.”

It's saying "no thank you" to the specific invitation but "yes, I love you too" to the emotional bid for connection.

It doesn’t mean that the other partner won’t feel disappointed; it’s natural to feel a bit down when we don’t get what we wanted. But if it’s more situational than personal, it doesn’t cut as deep and maintains the relational integrity. And if an alternative or rain check is offered, it offers reassurance and hope.

Now, this is all well and good if the rejecting partner does, in fact, love the inviter, and genuinely does want to make time to connect at some point, and would be able to enjoy doing so. Which is often the case.

But when there are deeper issues affecting the relationship, one example being a long-established negative association with the pressure, guilt, and resentment regarding this dance, it might be harder for the partner with less desire to access any feeling of wanting to even reschedule from a place of mutual warmth. Or even if that does happen, it might be harder for the rejected partner to receive that “turning towards” response as anything other than hurt. 

If this is the case, then deeper work on the broader relationship dynamics is likely necessary to repair the past ruptures before this new skill would be able to create change. 

I called the art of empathetic rejection a “marriage-saving” skill not because all marriages have this need or would be “saved” exclusively by introducing this change, but because for the ones that do and would, I’ve seen what a powerful difference it can make. (Like epipen is a life-saving medication, but not for everyone all the time.)

If you think your relationship has been struggling in part due to this cycle of rejection and avoidance, try sharing this idea with your partner and experimenting with this way of speaking and see if it helps. 

Bonus idea: 

Another advantage to learning the skill of empathetic rejection is that it can be used in other relationships and context too, aside from marriage: 

A friend invites you to lunch, a relative wants to visit, an acquaintance asks a favor, an organization wants a donation- this formula is a kind way to say no or set a boundary, but also show that you care about the person asking and value the relationship (or cause), here is the basic formula: 

1 Say something positive about the invitation or request like: “That’s such a nice idea..”

2 Give (if appropriate) a gentle explanation for why it doesn’t work for you, either now or in general. If you want to do the “no is a complete sentence” thing without giving an explanation in certain situations, the explanation could be super-vague non-info, such as: “Wow that sounds like such a great initiative! Unfortunately I’m going to have to decline this time, but I hope it goes great!”  

3 Then, if relevant, you can offer a counter-suggestion: “Thank you for reaching out- it sounds really nice. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work for me (right now), but I’d be happy to do x instead if you'd like.”