Two Intimacy Toxins

There are many traits and behaviors that contribute to healthy relationships and many that sabotage them.

There are  two specific tendencies that are especially toxic and they are:

Unbridled ego and unbridled desire. (In Hebrew they rhyme: Ga’ava and Ta’ava:)

The holy sacrifices in Vayikra are called korbanot, connected to the root “karov,” meaning close, because they symbolize the different ways we build intimate relationships with the Divine, and from which we can extrapolate interpersonal lessons too.

The Torah teaches that there are two substances that are forbidden from the flour offerings:

(dvash) nectar and (se’or) leavening. 

The nectar represents sweetness, desire, pleasure- things that taste or feel good and are necessary in moderation, but in excess can be harmful.

The leavening represents ego- just as on Pesach we eat matzah to remember the humility of slavery and we avoid chametz because the puffy, risen dough represents arrogance, and on Pesach we remember our lowly beginnings, recount the miracles of the Exodus, and we humble and rededicate ourselves to G-d. 

But there are some exceptions to this rule in the Temple: 

The shtei halechem- the offering of the two loaves was chametz, as were the loaves of the Todah, the gratitude offering. And the bikkurim, the first fruits, included the nectar that was otherwise prohibited.

According to the Kli Yakar, the reasons for these exceptions are the contexts. 

The two loaves and the bikkurim offerings were both brought on Shavuos, the holiday when we re-accept the Torah as a nation. Whereas the rest of the time, we want to be extra diligent in avoiding too much ego-aggrandizement and pleasure-seeking, and so we avoid their symbolic ingredients, on Shavuos, there is added protection from this. The day on which we received Torah, which contains the instructions for how to engage with the world in sanctity, is a day when there is the power to confront and sublimate even ego and desire, and create a place for them in the holy sanctuary and service. Because pure Torah can elevate even our mortal human flaws. 

The other force that has this is gratitude. The Korban Todah is a message of intrinsic humility- the word for gratitude is the same as the root for confession, because thanking is an acknowledgement of our own limitations, in that we needed something or benefited from someone else. Therefore, the ego element of the chametz in the Todah was mitigated and sanctified by the gratitude and the public, social sharing of this feast. 

This is also why these substances are not forbidden to consume in general. We are not all meant to be sugar-free, gluten-free all the time. We have access to Torah and gratitude all the time, and that moral code can help us keep excessive ego and lust in check, if we work at it.

We’re told that all these offerings should include salt, which in a way, is the opposite of those agents. Salt kills yeast (leavening) and is the opposite of sweet (nectar), but whereas those sugars are consumed and absorbed or rot, salt is a preservative, a flavor-supporting actor in modest doses, and represents endurance, long term commitment. This is also a symbolic reason for why we add salt to our challah. 

The most damaging things happen to relationships when one party is dominated by the grandiosity of ego (gaavah) or by exploitative self-indulgence (taavah), because those inner voices and urges are not relational, they’re only individualistic and selfish. 

They demand: “Do only what I want; pay no mind to anyone else.” 

When someone is in that headspace, there’s no focus on G-d, no focus on a partner, just on the “me.” In holy service, we want to keep those feelings and behaviors at arm’s length. In general life, we want to apply them with judicious propriety:

Healthy ego looks like confidence, conviction, self-awareness, and that can be nourishing, like challah bread.

Healthy desire can become connection, love, intimacy, and that too can be nourishing like wine and fruit. 

Healthy spirituality is not extreme- it’s not about austere abstinence nor extreme hedonism.

It’s about intentionality, perspective, balance, connection, and sanctifying the whole.