When I Got in Trouble

This was originally published as a subscriber email post in 2021:

Once upon a time, I was a nerdy little kid with a big mouth. (Now I'm a nerdy, middle-aged adult with a slightly more filtered big mouth.)

One particular episode that illustrates this happened in school (or it may have been the school-y part of summer camp; I'm not sure now.) 

Someone had done something wrong, and none of us wanted to snitch. So we were told the "whole class" would be punished. (Remember that marvelous pedagogic technique of yore? Good times.) 

While the teacher was out of the room, I impulsively grabbed the chalk and scribbled on the board, a quote from this week's Torah portion:

"Will it be that one man sins, and upon the whole congregation You will be angered?"

(To be clear: this did nothing to placate the wrath of this educator. It did, however, get me in further trouble.)

In any case, this Torah portion always gets me thinking about the phenomenon of questioning authority, and whether it's a good thing or not. Like Korach gets in HUMONGOUS trouble for being a rabble-rouser, for questioning the authority of Moses and Aharon, and by extension G-d. But then Moses ostensibly challenges G-d sometimes, and is considered an effective defense advocate for the people. So is questioning authority good or bad?

Some people are rule-followers by nature.

Some of us are more rebellious; we don't like being told what to do by other humans.

If you feel more comfortable obliging, you probably don't struggle much with this.

But if you're by nature more rebellious, then you probably relate.

Over the years, I've thought a lot about the nature of good and bad ways and reasons to challenge authority. (And I definitely don't always get it right.)

In my "humble opinion" (does that phrase sound ironically pretentious to you too?) it boils down to ego, intention, and communication style.

Korach's problem was that his opposition stemmed from ego and was expressed contentiously.

His issue was: "why am I any less qualified than you?"

Challenging those in power when they are wrong or acting corruptly- deliberately obstructing justice, embezzling, abusing, lying, molesting- that's something that needs to happen.

But it that case, it's motivated by the pursuit of morality.

It's inappropriate and dangerous to keep people who hurt others on a pedestal.

Or: you may respect the person in power, but disagree with how something was handled.

In that case it can be questioned and discussed respectfully.

If both parties truly want what's best, the dialogue will be fueled by intellectual and moral integrity, not ego, and a collaborative outcome will be reached.

Or at least an agreement to disagree.

As I often tell the couples I work with: the fight is often less about the "what" than the "how."

Most topics can be addressed empathetically, collaboratively, and productively, when we intentionally approach them in that tone.

Not that we can always find simple solutions, but the process doesn't have to corrode the relationship. (I teach how to do this with a little exercise I call: "Rewrite the fight.") 

We are living through times when many people of intellectual honesty are questioning institutions of authority: government, academia, the mainstream media, communal leadership. This is necessary; absolute power and blind conformity is incredibly dangerous to any society; ideological checks and balances keep us honest and call for improvement.

But what I try to do within my own process, to find my own "horizon of healthy critical thinking," is ask myself whether a question is coming from ego or from truth-seeking.

When I ask myself that, and sit with it, I can often shift my inner angst, morphing the righteous indignation to a place of constructive analysis, which feels and sounds a lot better.

Lately, I've been struggling against the media juggernaut of lies and Jew-hatred. I've been writing, and intend to keep writing, fighting falsehood with truth. But I realized that if I'm to do that in a way that's sustainable, I need to pace myself. I can't take ownership of the outcome. I can voice objection, try to spread education, but ultimately G-d is the boss of what goes down globally, even if it's not what I ordered. So I will keep writing truth on that proverbial chalkboard, keep praying and advocating, alongside others who are greater and wiser than I am, because that's what we can do. But I will also try to take deep breaths in the process, and attend to my day to day responsibilities, and even laugh sometimes, because I believe that's all part of what we're here to do, in this ever-evolving, imperfect world.

Thanks for listening.

(This was written in 2021 but it's still applicable..)

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