Why Are There So Many More Divorces Nowadays?

It’s a magnificent summer night- 75 perfect degrees, and I’m walking over a local scenic bridge to the beach, with a close friend from high school, reconnecting the way we wish we did more often. Catching up- careers, kids, stresses, hopes and dreams, she mentions an old mutual friend who’s been on her mind, because she has recently shared that she’s getting divorced.

My friend wonders aloud: Why does it feel like there are so many more divorces nowadays?

This question comes up a lot, especially for couples therapists. The honest answer is: No one can really say for sure. Books, studies, surveys, sermons, and armchair opinions abound. But humans are complex, there are so many variables, and the world has changed so dramatically in so many ways in the past century, that it’s impossible and irresponsible to point to a single definitive cause.

And yet, we wonder…

What follows is simply one person's observation:

Around a hundred years ago, about a century following the industrial revolution, (and other assorted revolutions) almost the entire western world went to war. Twice. During that upheaval, men were called up to go to fight, and so women stepped up to fill the work force, en masse, for kind of the first time. Until that point, in most societies, there was a traditional gender role marriage script: Girls and boys grew up and got married young. Premarital sex was discouraged, and procreation was a value, so they were in bit of a rush to couple off.

Men typically became providers and protectors, and women generally became child-bearers and homemakers, with occasional, supplementary work. Men were expected to be the sole or primary breadwinners, and women were there to nurture and nourish.

Women and men needed one another, because it was stigmatized to be single, and men couldn’t gestate, while women didn’t or often couldn't earn much money. Homemaking/ family building was a two-person job.  So marriage had been something of a universal social contract, a symbiotic arrangement for the purpose of concerted family production. Love, romance, and passion existed at least in theory, as we know from literature and liturgy, and some unions were probably happier and some were presumably less so, but overall, it got the job done.

Until that point in history, the focus was generally on collective, communal, societal function, rather than individual self-determination. Most societies subscribed to religious doctrines as well, which promoted traditional family life and values.

Presumably, not all marriages were happy ones, and not everyone necessarily appreciated or enjoyed their culturally assigned roles, but there was more clarity, uniformity, and predictability.

Once women became more financially self-sufficient, and much of the tedious housework (and manual labor) was replaced by time-saving devices and gadgets, women, and to a lesser degree men, began examining their possibilities from a more open perspective.

Women were seeking and demanding rights, education, representation, self-expression, and personal fulfillment, in areas well beyond the domestic.

The men’s world was changing rapidly as well, but not as dramatically as women’s.

Women literally and figuratively were trying on pants, and they liked them.

In the 60s the free love movement gave the public license to explore their feelings and sexuality, with generous assistance and enhancement from a variety of mind- and mood altering substances.

John Lennon asked us to imagine a world without religion, social order, or values, and so that generation began to dispense with the inconvenience of institutions like marriage and family.

By the time the 80s and 90s rolled in, secularism and materialism were prevailing social forces.

For possibly the first time in recorded history, a predominantly G-dless society had been born.

Instead of asking what G-d wants from people, they were now asking:

What do we want for ourselves?

The West had shifted from theocentric, collectivist, character values to anthropocentric, individualistic, pleasure goals.

With these newer mores, bearing children, certainly more than 1.5, went from expected, to optional, to quaint, to passé.

Women no longer needed men to support and protect them, had easier and safer access to birth control, and men (along with many women) were enjoying their publicly sanctioned poly-amorous freedom.

When marriage goes from expected, mandatory, and presumed to be mutually beneficial, to unnecessary, optional, and potentially complicating, it’s going to take a lot more glue to keep it together when the going gets rough.

In traditional cultures, stigma around divorce and logistical interdependence kept many mediocre and unhappy unions in place, and continue to do so.

In modern, contemporary communities, we’re no longer looking for, or satisfied with only a pragmatic partnership.

Besides for love, we seek even more sophisticated and lofty marital criteria- deep connection, emotional and sexual chemistry, intellectual and spiritual compatibility, companionship, bonding, humor, recreation, and moral support – lots of abstract new requirements.  

And of top of all this, there's pressure or desire to both fall and stay “in love”- without actually being able to define it.  

The old-fangled version of marriage almost didn’t even stand a chance in the face of all these conditions. So it’s easier, more realistic, and more common than ever before to part ways rather than tough it out. The Orthodox world is navigating these transitions too, and encountering a fair amount of resistance.

While discussing this phenomenon with my son, he paused, and replied:

“That makes historical sense. But then is it a good thing or a bad thing?” he queried.

(He’s that sort- he likes to query.)

“Both, I think,” I suggested. (I've been trying to do more suggesting rather than preaching.)

I think it’s good that we are demanding more of ourselves and seeking/ requesting more of our spouses. It’s good that standards for marriage are being raised and refined.

That more people don’t want to stay in abusive, dysfunctional, miserable, or depressing marriages.

If the realistic threat of divorce is forcing us to become better spouses, parents, humans, that might be a good thing.

When it ends a painful saga, and gives someone a new lease on life and love, that’s a salvation.

On the other hand, I assume almost nobody gets married with the hope to divorce.

The process of divorce is often hurtful and traumatic, particularly when there are children involved.

So while it’s up to each couple to determine the best course of action for its family, accessible divorce can be both a blessing and a double edged sword.  

It is my belief (and bias) that when there are children in the picture, and there is no abuse, severe dysfunction, or egregious behavior, we should try hard to salvage the marriage before opting for divorce. But that once salvaging the marriage has been sincerely attempted, it can often be more damaging for both parents and kids to be raised by unhappily married parents than by amicably, or at least, maturely, divorced ones.   

We work hard to save marriages when that is what both spouses want.

We also work hard to end marriages with as much grace as possible, when that is necessary.

I find it painful to hear armchair anthropologists criticizing couples who split up, with flippant,  judgy, throw-away lines like:

“People just don’t know what commitment means anymore.”

“Folks aren’t willing to work at a relationship- they treat them as disposable now.”

“It’s because this generation is selfish and lazy.”

No, no, no. Please, no.

As someone who sees the exhausting, expensive, and often desperate measures couples take to do this relationship work, even when it's difficult, I can honestly say that the couples I know who’ve chosen to end it almost always first tried hard to repair it.

And even if they didn’t – well, it really isn’t our business.

What they need is our support, empathy, and respect.

Each family has its own unique story and path.

Our job is not to solve the mystery; it’s to be kind.

And maybe try harder to prepare young people for healthy relationships.

So… why are so many more people getting divorced now?

In short, maybe because they can.

And even though it’s often sad or hard, sometimes they should.

One of the ways we are trying to help people prepare for marriage is by offering more relationship education content and programming like these:

Collaborative Couples Course

What Couples Fight About