It made her question her whole life

Note: This was originally an email to my subscriber list in 2021:

Here in New York, we've been blessed with a pretty mild Autumn so far (isn't "Autumn" so much fancier and less stressful than "Fall"?)

But for those who live with seasonal affect disorder, the low feeling that comes with colder weather and fewer sunlight hours, this time of year can be emotionally challenging.

And that low feeling, can sometimes look like a seasonal depression.

Depression can bring some unwanted, intrusive thoughts, existential questions, and dark moods. It can feel unsettling, even scary.

One of the mean things about depression and anxiety is that they're self-perpetuating phenomena.

Meaning, you feel depressed or anxious about something random, but then you start feeling depressed or anxious about the fact that you feel depressed or anxious, and wonder how bad it will get, or if or when it will stop, and suddenly it's a vicious cycle of misery.

Depression and anxiety can come from varying origins, and treatment modalities abound. But a strong model for understanding mental health in general is the bio-psycho-social approach: the idea that there are biological components, psychological ones, and interpersonal ones.

This means understanding the role that physical health and makeup, including our neurology and endocrinology, play in our mental health, as well as our individual experiences and thoughts, and our relationships and social influences and resources. By attending to all three categories, we can take care of our well being in multi-faceted ways.

In this week's Torah portion, a great person, Rebecca, says something that sounds pretty intense:

After 20 years of wanting and praying for a child, she finds her pregnancy difficult and says:

"If it's like this, then why am I?" Different commentaries weigh in on what exactly she was questioning: "Why did I want to be pregnant? Why do people have kids? Why am I even here in this world?"

Sometimes, when we have intense thoughts and feelings, we can get to judging ourselves for them. People sometimes call themselves "crazy," or "dramatic."

But the reality is, when people are in pain- physical, emotional, or relational pain, our brains often generate upsetting thoughts and feelings.

Occasional dysregulation is part of being human, but it can feel overwhelming.

I believe the Torah normalizes this. Rebecca was a Matriarch, a role model.

So was Rachel and she said something similarly intense:

"Give me children- if not I'm dead." 

And it wasn't just women on the subject of motherhood; prophets like Jonah and Elijah also questioned whether they wanted to live, even asked to die.

Maybe it's not actually a sickness.

Maybe this is actually part of the normative human condition.

Maybe part of being mortal is not only examining our mortality, but sometimes questioning the point of life itself. (Like most of the book of Kohelet/ Ecclesiastes discusses.)

Maybe it doesn't need to be pathologized, but analyzed.

What does Rebecca do from amidst her anguish?

"She went to seek out G-d."

She prayed, meditated, consulted with a spiritual guide- whatever "seeking out G-d means"- the antidote to feeling confused and overwhelmed by life, is to ask our questions, not deny or suppress them.

To tap into our spiritual resources.

To reach out for support, to reach inward for wisdom.

And to remember that this is a universal thing- it's not only you.

It's part of being human.

Wishing you health and serenity,

Elisheva

PS Questioning life and death is different from chronic depression, the urge to self harm, or wanting to take one's own life. If you or someone you care about feel like that line has been crossed, please seek immediate help- your life matters and it can get better: Suicide helpline in the US: 988

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